I'm alone and no one understands.

I want Aunt Ian and I to hang out more often. I want Hannah to come to Virginia. I want Liv to stop spending so much time with Turner and hang out with me for a change. I want Chris and I to be able to hang out and have fun, go to Great Falls, go camping, go to the beach, have sex when we want to and not when we don't and not have to worry about anything the way that we are now. I want Flather to call me just to hang out instead of calling me for weed or money, I want Stephanie to come home from Boston because I miss her so much and I have so many things to tell her. I want to be happy when I hang out with Joe. I want to "Uh oh in the backseat" and "sit down" with Lukas. I want Danny to forgive me. I want to go back to the times when nothing mattered, and no one had any problem that was bigger than knowing if they were going to get an assignment turned in on time.

Is everything that seems to be going wrong at the moment my fault? Is the reason Chris doesn't want to keep things the way they were because of something I did? Is the reason Hannah keeps ignoring my calls because of something I said? Is the reason Liv would rather hang out with Turner than with me because of something she thought she noticed? Is the reason Danny hasn't talked to me in two years because of the decision I made? Is the reason Stephanie and I never talk about anything but how much we hate Flather because that's all we have in common? Is the reason Aunt Ian and I never see eachother because Kaelyn has turned him against me? I feel like everything is my fault. It's my fault Hannah and I don't talk. It's my fault Liv and I don't hang out. It's my fault Chris and I have changed. It's my fault Danny has this ball of hatred towards me. I feel like it's my fault that Stephanie and I have nothing in common anymore. I feel like Flather and I should have kept walking when we saw eachother. I regret stopping and talking to him.

I have no idea what's wrong with me. I feel like everyone hates me, and no one wants to be around me. I even feel like Alex hates me. The problem with all of this is that I think I know subconsciously that no one does. Flather has a lawyer to answer to. Danny can't deal with the decision we made anymore than I can. Liv is hopelessly in love with Turner. Hannah is there, but can't talk when I need her. Stephanie is in New England with the whole college thing going on. Aunt Ian is wrapped up in school and hockey. Chris has deep emotional problems that I think are the reason that everything suddenly changed. Joe has changed so much from being hundreds of miles away that I don't think we could ever be the same. It seems with Lukas, he would rather work and be in school than hang out with me or any of his other friends.

I don't understand anything anymore. My friends mean so much to me that if I ever lost any one of them, I don't know that I would be able to go on living. I know that I become too attached to people and that that's NOT a good thing. But I don't know any other way to be. This is me and this is who I am. Everyone of my friends has a piece of my heart... some have a bigger piece than others... and when they do something to change the way we are they break that piece. It falls and shatters like broken glass. It hurts and I fall into this deep dark place that only a few people know about and even they don't understand it. I don't even understand it.

I need help understanding myself.